Posted by Michael Zahara on Jan 26, 2015
A hairy fuqr from birth, he became completely bald headed by the fourth grade and just prior to Mrs Anthony meeting him and falling ‘in like’ with him because he was buying beers without being carded that year, and it morphed into ‘kinda love’ with him when he started driving in the 5th grade!
…along with Marty Allen, Lou Toomin, Sheldon Adelson, Shelley Berkley, a packed to the rafters Bagel Café on Buffalo & the Parkway loaded with a veritable Sea of Local Hebrews, and there’s Stavros Anthony being all Greek Orthodox, and me being all ‘Catlick’, he and I were doing a Schmooze with Jews luncheon I suspect Carolyn Goodman may have asked Mossad to arrange this past Saturday afternoon to try to intimidate both of us!
<–This is the Las Vegas station of Israel’s Mossad, code named ‘The Bagel Cafe’, and built by Oscar Goodman when he was mayor as a gift for his old lady knowing someone would run against her that wasn’t Chris G in 2015!
I had thought that comedian Marty Allen had passed away in 1970-something, but I turned my head and the little fuqr (he’s 3’ 9” tall, tops!) was sitting at the table directly to my left playing with his silverware, the table’s leg, the tablecloth, and I thought playing with himself for a minute. I turned my head just a little bit more, and that really big assh*le and very well-known little fuqr (he’s 3’ 10”, tops!) and dirty rat bastard, Sheldon Adelson, was sitting in the very back rear corner.
Today, Sheldon Adelson looks more and more like Lucille Ball did in the 1960’s & 70’s playing Mrs Charmichael on ‘Here’s Lucy’ and he told me later that he sticks with it for that one day a year he and the Mrs revisit sex, just to see if they remember the mechanics of it all while vacationing on the Kibbutz. His hair is also unsettling; it’s not a color naturally occurring anywhere in the known universe.
It upsets the natural order of the universe!
Go ahead, just try to keep your omelet down after seeing that shit up close and personal!
Fun Fact: During the ‘Ask a Jew’ portion of the afternoon’s entertainment for passengers on this particular Bagel Cafe cruise, we would learn that Hebrew is not a Gay beer brand!
Stavros Anthony, pretending to be all academic on me again, had intended that he was going to get some learnin’ into me during our first real talk together since previously in the years he and I have known of one another, if I had gotten too close, he would just Taser me, run in the other direction, and that would be that!
‘Not this time you little fuqr!’ appeared in the thought bubble over my head!
I was determined to get me some learnin’ about this ‘Stavros’ guy into me too, but knew from the start that my loyal readers would need the truth, so here goes my best candidate coverage in history to date for you guys:
- He’s Greek-American
- He’s losing his hair
- …on his head, but nowhere else
- His head looks like a baked potato that close up
- I couldn’t determine if he’d gotten his well-known errant farting under control because Marty Allen and Lou Toomin were at the table right next to us and they’re two of our community’s all-time Flatulence Friendly Farter Fuqrs!
Not really much meat on the bone there for my readers yet, huh?
But then someone told me he wanted to be mayor. Mayor of what though, I thought? He seemed so earnest and so genuine, that I didn’t have the heart to tell him that this nice elderly Hebrew couple—both in their early 100s—had taken over those responsibilities of the now non-existent office, decades ago, but feared he might stab me since he knows, worked with, and likes Sheriff Joe Lombardo, enough so that he became Joe’s #1 donor at 250 Drachmas financing his entire campaign.
Then Stavros started to tell me about his having attended something he called a ‘Wayne State University’ and I knew right then he was lying because we don’t have a state named ‘Wayne’; I know, because I double-checked and looked at a map!
There’s no state called ‘Wayne’ in the Union Stavros! What’s its capital city? Charlie-ville? Herbie City?
<–A ‘D+’ student at Klown Kollege, that’s believable from you. A straight ‘F’ student at Barber College because the only hair on your head is in your ears and nose, that’s also believable from you. Just as no one wants a skinny chef, no one wants a bald guy cutting their hair either.
It too, upsets the natural order of the universe!
My knowing that cops never lie, I switched gears giving him the chance to redeem himself and be honest in his answers for this next round of WatchdogWag Project grilling and I wanted to know how he survived 29 years at Metro.
‘I took a lot of days off and helped myself to my co-workers’ vacation time whenever I could because that’s all Captains do are Vacation Approval requests at the LVMPD’, replied the Councilman. ‘I don’t think I worked a total of 29 days in all those 29 years and I’d just clocked in, sloshed coffee for an hour or so shootin’ the shit with everyone, and when they all went to jump onto their Hogs to go out giving tickets to every poor, destitute fuqr on Maryland Parkway and nowhere else in the valley, I would jump on mine, pretend I was adjusting the mirrors and shit, and then drove home and put the bike in the garage and went back to sleep.’
I knew it had to be something like that because for a long time, you were the only officer in the entire state who didn’t live in Henderson as is still required by law under the NRS. You drove off in the other direction to where you’re the Sheriff of Ward 4 today, isn’t that correct Mr Anthony?’
‘Don’t make me Taser you again in front of all of these nice Jewish people Mike; and don’t think that I won’t do it to you, you little fuqr!’
He was pulling rank on me so I adjusted yet again reminding him that we were the only two gentiles for miles around and that it was no coincidence that he announced for mayor and suddenly all of our local Jewish power broker friends suddenly decided they all needed a bagel, and from the Bagel Café of all places, when everyone knows it was Mormon pioneers who introduced the bagel to the lox at a Provo deli in 1849 and Jewish people never eat that kind of shit.
‘Sooooooo, Councilman, you and Jill Derby…’
Fine, I’ll cop to that you little bastard! It was a flirtation; a look, but don’t touch dalliance. She winked at me at one of those boring ass Regent meetings, I winked back, next thing you know, we were Square-Dancing at that joint in Elko every month thinking no one would know either us there.
‘Square-dancing? Is that what the kids are calling ‘it’ these days?’ I blurted.
My old lady won’t wear the cowgirl outfit shit I buy for her at ‘Frederick’s of Winnemucca’ and Jill looks so damn hella-hot in a denim cowgirl skirt and plaid blouse; you sat on NVDEMS’ E-Board together with her, you know the power denim skirts have on pervs and LVMPD cops, and especially pervs who are LVMPD cops!’
He was sobbing uncontrollably now, I felt badly for a sec getting all Barbara Walters on him and making him cry in front of all these nice Jewish people looking to pop him at the Bagel Café, so I said, ‘Look Stavros, I get it, stop crying, it’s OK. She used to start each of our E-board meetings not with the Pledge of Allegiance, but by making us all stand and face the flag with our hands on our hearts while she sang ‘You Make Me Feel Like a Natural Woman’ with your billboard sized photo behind her and we had to accompany her doing the harmonies.
After he collected himself and dabbed his tear stained cheeks and blew the snots out of his nose—still more appetizing than looking at Sheldon Adelson and my omelet remained in my stomach—he pulled himself together and asked if I thought he had a chance.
‘Oh, fuq no!’, was my reply and I noticed the tears beginning to well up in his eyes again and I quickly pivoted to cheer his sorry ass up!
<–Former Congresswoman and current Mossad agent, Shelley Berkley (left) was there too trying to tell both Stavros and me that she was never going to run again and I told him she was lying and completely full of shit the second she turned around!
Her Mossad Team’s mission is to take Stavros out, but way after they take Harry Reid out!
‘You’re a former cop, albeit a former cop who only worked 29 days over 29 years, but look around us right now at the Bagel Café of all places! All of these Mossad agents, Sheldon and Shelley who hate one another’s guts, together under the same roof here, 80 year old Lou Toomin with 1986 calling and demanding its pony tail back from him? Clearly Councilman, the Goodmans are gonna whack you and Marty Allen is your assassin because no one knows what a ‘Stavros’ is, and that sir, is because everyone who knows any Greek guys, knows that all Greek guys are named ‘Gus’!
I continued, ‘You’re upsetting the natural order of the universe Councilman Anthony, you’re threatening that nice Hebrew couple’s iron-fisted control over their gigantic personal Redevelopment Agency Slush Fund that even the FBI fears to look into and the CCBC knew not to touch a penny of, as they raided your former employer’s funding with reckless abandon under Gestapo Gillespie.
And you’ve all missed the biggest argument of all: It’s the stupidest g*ddamn place to put a stadium for any sport! Here’s a suggestion pulled right outta my own ass: How about an actual park within Symphony Park or better yet, an open air outdoor amphitheater like the old Hollywood Bowl?
Not a word from any of you about spending $900,000 just for the design of a damn pedestrian bridge over the UP tracks?
Clearly, I chose the wrong career path and you did too!
900K, just for the design? Where’s the BDR up in Carson City to help your cause and further restrict this kind of Crony Welfare and ensure such exuberant spending always goes to voters? Or to Flush their personal Slush Fund permanently? The cost breakdown per household in your Ward 4 plus interest? The cost of Metro’s services for Traffic Mitigation because it’s the stupidest location possible for a stadium almost as stupid as UNLV’s, which wanted to build directly under and at the end of two major runways? How about no more pictures with our mutual friend Michele Fiore so you’re not tarred with the Tea Party Extremist/Batshit Crazy Division label she’s personally dragging the historic, all-GOP 2015 Sandoval/Ernault cruise to the bottom of the sea with…until or unless she redeems herself?
She’s currently trying to co-opt your popularity because she fuqd up and doesn’t know how to pivot and get out of the jam she caused herself and that sir, will cost you a lot of votes when this is over if you’re not protective of your own brand.
Had you not been Tasering me these past recent years, I’d have told you that on one of my Coffee Dates with Jesus a few years back, you had come up and the Lord has you as the next Governor of Nevada because regardless of who does what, no one wants Mark Hutchinson in the office because he’s a wienie and the Lord said unto me in 2011 that you’re not a wienie Stavros!
But, He implied that required of you is to extinguish any Hebrew Uprising because you’re going to need their votes and that the better course would be to relentlessly shame the shit out of those who voted ‘YES’ because Ricki Barlow is thinking bigger offices and a stupid-ass consultant had told him to try for statewide recently and that really ticked Jesus off. Steve Ross ‘aint going anywhere when he’s done because Labor hates him, but he thinks he’s the next mayor too, Bob Coffin would lose a 2nd round from Adrianna this time because I’m gonna tell her how to do it, and in case you had forgotten, in one of my greatest political victories, I got Lois to change and update her hairstyles and wigs because it too, was upsetting the natural order of the universe!
You have proven to be the biggest and most pleasant political surprise in my 12 years here and you have a very big fan in me and just like Uncle Joe, you weren’t afraid to listen despite Mossad staring at us, and look what that got for him; Joe Lombardo is now Bill Conger with a bigger desk!
Today, you’re a single-issue candidate and they never win and you didn’t launch knowing you have to have much more meat on the bone and much, much more ammo in your arsenal than what you fired your tiny, shitty cap gun with to start.
So step gingerly Councilman Anthony; do no harm to your own self and your own very valuable brand and don’t let anyone or any issue attach themselves to you which should be your top priority Captain because you sir, have much better and far bigger things coming your way!
I know; I heard it from the Lord Himself, and Jill Derby!