Posted by Michael Zahara on Sep 20, 2015
<–My dear friend and flawless LVMPD source, as well as their Cleaning Lady I call ‘Butterfly Lombardo’, was asked by the sheriff himself to design and head-up security at his wedding this coming weekend since he didn’t think that anyone he knew would know much of anything about security!
She’s a Dojo Master in Judo, a gourmet cook, she clips coupons, is a Mixed Martial Artist Hair-styler using karate chops rather than scissors, a former Miss Texas, she danced with the Alvin Ailey Dance Troop in New York in the 80s, and was Whitney Houston’s stand-in and understudy during the filming of ‘The Bodyguard’ where she met and fell in love with Kevin Kostner and fuqd him like there was no tomorrow during months of filming, though having Bobby Brown’s baby after the film’s premier!
You shitstains messing up Vegas for the rest of us must not have gotten the memo about us shifting to, maybe ‘drifting to’ is better, ‘Community Policing’ here, and in order for it to work here, you little fuqrs have to know what your role is and what’s required of you so that we may bring you to justice and deport almost all of you back to The People’s Republic of California where most of you little fuqrs came from, and that would be ‘Community Criminality’!
You’re also not leaving enough evidence behind at crime scenes, nor are you little fuqrs looking directly into and smiling broadly for the surveillance cameras where you’re taking your Community Craps on all of us!
This must end immediately because you’re all really pissing me off now because I wanted to give to Sheriff Lombardo, who has a case of really bad blue balls awaiting his nuptials in the coming days, something to go along with the really cool Great White Shark corn-on-the-cob holders I got for them!
<—This is daughter Lacey Alderson’s choice for her mother’s wedding attire next weekend, so for you many fellas with your eyes and hearts set on waltzing Lacey down the aisle some day soon, expect a lot of feathers, tons of glitter & and a shitload of rhinestones!
I’ll admit, I’m a ‘lil surprised and got a way more conservative vibe from Lacey!
I think we may need an intervention here! Anyone else with me on this?
Sidebar: Yes, it finally came and I did get my invitation to the Blessed Event–turns out that they were using my old address at the CCDC–and I was sworn to secrecy over location and details (it’ll be 2PM at the Waste Treatment plant near Sunrise Mountain off Vegas Valley Dr) and such so that damned Paparazzi and their helicopters doesn’t disrupt it again like they did at the now Deputy Chief of the CCDC, Charles Hank III’s wedding some years back!
DC Hank was nice enough to be keeping all of my mail in this nice little green Circular File he has next to his desk down there, so in return for his thoughtfulness and kindness shown to me, I’m going to share their table at the reception with he and wife Lisa–‘The Peep’s PEAP’–is the new PR enhancement I’m just giving to her outright!–and I’m also going to share with him on the DL & QT, why he should not do what I’m calling LVMPD USDOJ II: The VegasJail Bait of Deputy Chief Charles Hank III—A Quinn Martin/Langley Production—without basically anyone else in the organization there with him too!
I fear this may just be an elaborate DOJ ruse and that they’re gonna just slap the cuffs on him and make a big Obama Show out of it to show that yes, the President can arrest a Black guy every once in while too!
Charles, run in the other direction! If any G-men should happen by soon, just tell them you work at the range or out at the stables, or something cuz I smell a trap bro.
More on Hanks, the jail, DOJ, my suggestions, cellphones, Rich Suey, Alan Hirjack, and the very best LVMPD employee I ever encountered, along with the very worst–both at the CCDC, which should be sold off at auction or become an alternative site for Yucca Mountain, and was obsolete the very day it opened!
<–She is a Cutie Pie and was off of my radar the entire time she’d been there–always a good thing at the LVMPD–promoted while I was in New York this summer investigating the ‘Worst Bitch and Vile Pimp Momma’ who took a big dump on we here in Las Vegas!
Elevated by Sheriff Lombardo despite the fact that she’d never arrested me, detained me, tasered me, shot me, shot and tasered me, lasered me, cuffed me, beat me (though I’m sure she wanted to!), tickle-tortured me, or even said hello to me because she does not like 7-11s or its undecipherable Congealed Cheese Coated Cuisine which renders each and every shitty 7-11 from Vegas Valley and Mountain Vista here, to those in the Bronxwood neighborhood in New York there, smelling identically shitty, this woman (left) is Metro’s newest Captain, one Roxanne McDaris, currently Chief-ing Enterprise Area Command in the Southwest Valley, one of Metro’s geographically largest and where they assign all of their best looking people because its also geographically the closest AC to Hollywood, and the LVMPD wishes itself to be ‘Ready for its close-up Mr DeMille’.
…oh, and she’s a ‘hugger’ too!
Regulars here know that I am generally adverse to ‘Serial Huggers’ having worked for a guy once who would fall apart over a dead fly on the window sill, start to tear up, begin sniffling, then burst into tears, sobbing uncontrollably, and then his going cubicle to cubicle in his droopy, piss and spaghetti sauce stained drawers him with pants bunched up at the ankles and asking to be hugged, his arms already extended outward and nowhere to go if you were cornered and trapped as the intended ‘huggee’!
So many times, I just couldn’t get away in time!
Oh, the humanity!
<–…’member those poor folks on 9/11 choosing to jump to their deaths at WTC rather than burning to death? That sad morning watching in horror all that was happening then and me, unable to get the thought out of my head regarding me and why I hadn’t thought about just ‘leaping the fuq right out of there’ like those poor WTC souls when Mr Hugger Man was upset about something!
Though it sure sounds like him, no it wasn’t former Sheriff Doug Gillespie who I worked for way back then and who still dreams about me every night according to this woman named ‘Louise’, who is one of the voices in my head I listen to and take advice from too!
Any of you guys know a lady named Louise who may have some sort of feint, distant connection to the former sheriff, please let me know!
Captain McDaris, Congrats! That will be me at an upcoming First Tuesday down at EAC and you’ll recognize me from my being so devastatingly handsome along with my having my pants around my ankles, arms extended, awaiting my hug from you!
I have to advise you loyal readers that the lead-off pic above is actually a cropped picture of our newest Captain, because not at all unexpectedly, who should be co-starring in the photo along with she and Bela Lugosi, is than none other than my newest drinking buddy though we haven’t yet shared any type of beverage to date…
<–Amazing! First, that they found and revived for a photo-op, Bela Lugosi (middle, 1930s horror flick, damn scary looking bastard!),…as well as everyone’s favorite Funny Uncle, now LVMPD Assistant Sheriff, ‘Uncle Todd’ Fasulo; these three snapped together at some Bela Lugosi Fan Club Reunion & Swag Show at Bally’s in 2013, I think!
And all you people thought I was kidding about Fasulo being in all of my own first birthday celebration pictures at my Grandma Gertie’s house back in Chicago?
But if you wish to see me, your Dear ‘Ol’ Dawg Mike Zahara, running away screaming and crying like a little 7 year old girl (again!), then pop into the DVR, the original 1931 ‘Dracula’, still the scariest movie ever made in all of human history!
Way, way, way, way more worse than garbage-fair, zero-stars given to ‘Grooming Giselle’s Pubes’, ‘Ove’s Venon Vag’ or ‘Argentina’s Very Bad Dream in America’ a few years back which only made me puke, but not scream like a little 7 year old girl (again!)!
It’s not me at my best really, but that little fuqr scares me!
The original Dracula was made in the 1930s back when we White people were really White, we were kind of neon White really, and back then, White women were especially really White and stupider than shit too! All the little fuqrs in ‘Dracula’, including Renfield who enjoyed flies, knew not to go down in the basement, cellar, catacombs of the castle or whatever the fuq they were calling ‘downstairs’ back then…because there was some vampire bullshit going on down there!
Moral: Not dating White women guarantees no vampires!
...everyone knew except the stupid White bitch who just had to grab a candle up and start walking down the world’s longest descending staircase, cobwebs the fuq everywhere, and you and me know that ‘lil sumbitch Dracula is down there somewhere, but oh no, not the stupid-ass neon White bitch with nothing but a g*ddamn candle and wearing lingerie and a flimsy silk robe lookin’ for a good dickin’ down in Transylvania!
Sidebar: This might be a good time to inform you that should you be interested in me, don’t come to me in a flimsy silk robe and a g*ddamn candle when the electric bill is paid in full, there’s flashlights with good batteries in every junk drawer in the house, and when I don’t even have a basement or a cellar because we don’t have tornadoes or vampires ’round these parts ‘cept way down in Searchlight and he’s got a name, ‘The Boney One’, who’s retiring from the US Senate and who’s never made me scream like a little 7 year old girl (again), though I may have wanted to scream over some of his stupid-ass shit!
Oh, and by the way, playing Bela Lugosi flawlessly in tonight’s program is none other than Dawg favorite, Dr Rick Culley, who was Doug Gillespie’s best buddy, JO pal, and perhaps secret lover, I once thought, and who this year, managed to score himself yet another contract with the LVMPD, and its taken me all this time to clean up the power shit I took in my own pants when I read of his good fortune again!
I’m planning on hacking into the ESPN feed of the Lombardo wedding and will be offering commentary from underneath the Hanks’ table at the reception until its time for everyone there to do ‘The Electric Slide’ and the ‘Chicken Dance/Bunny Hop Combo’, two dances I am nationally recognized for doing so well and which kicked me up from being a mere Regional Treasure, to the National Treasure I am today!
I am always humbly yours,
A National Treasure!