Posted by Michael Zahara on Dec 26, 2015
‘If it were premeditated, she’d have used oil-based concealer on that disgusting nasty splotchy blotchy bullshit before running those folks down!
‘I promise, I’ll be worth the wait!…’
—Janet Jackson’s lyric from ‘Let’s Wait A While’—1987–that’s 28 years back ago already for you readers educated at the CCSD!
This masterpiece isn’t going to be about ‘luck’ because I don’t wish to start a rumor that ‘luck’ plays any part at all in electing our Sheriffs, nor do I believe in such things as luck or coincidences, especially in political life here…and even more especially, within Metro.
There’s even comedian Steve Harvey and a Miss Universe ‘grassy knoll’ in this story too, and yes, Sheriff Lombardo was ‘worth the 11 month wait!’
He was the candidate who entered the SoNev Political Stage as one person in December 2013…then he won the damn thing as another more sharpened public person, but until just a few days ago, he was still a largely undefined public person. I’d been waiting near to almost a year now to gauge him and his performance as Sheriff, not when things are going well, because any fuqn idiot should be doing their job well when things are going well for them, and though we actually had a few hours here and there over this past year when not a damn thing was happening and everything was just peachy, there were shit storms-a-brewin’-and-a-buildin’ out there.
<–It’s when political people get ‘that not so fresh feeling’ when we learn after their walking through a meadow together with their mother discussing it, if they’re just in need of a high-pressure wash power-douching to feel their very freshest, very best again…or if they are in fact, douche-bags themselves.
So regular readers can now see the obvious reasons I’ve been so g*ddamn giddy the entire month so far! I have enough material for 40 upcoming pieces just based on about the last 40 hours of Life in Vegasville alone!
Today’s on-line RJ could kick that up to 100 new pieces; its been a bad month in Vegas with every whack-a-doodle dumb fuqr coming out of the woodwork all month long and after appearing on ‘Hello Mayor’ right after the Paris ISIS shit with Giggles Goodman and BAC Captain Plummer in a bad suit jacket for television, then a ‘Don’t Drink & Drive’ PSA he was looking pudgy and unhappy in, I was concerned for Sheriff Lombardo with Harris Corporation still not put to bed and NYE just hours away!
His Public Persona I call ‘Hollywood Joe’, seems publicly none-the-worse for wear assisted by a beautiful smart chick he married at some Cali Hippie-Commune/Winery/Wonder-Weed-Werks just a few weeks back, thus ensuring his ‘Sheriffin’ Mojo’ was in good working order!
<–Sheriff Joe Lombardo landed the cover of the January 2016 Cosmo to thwart critics of the Harris settlement fiasco he still must publicly address!
I’m having Cocktails with Jesus next month and plan to ask Him if ‘renewing ones vows’ is good enough, or if a whole new marriage is required before the end of the third quarter to ensure ‘Damn Good Sheriffin’ in the fourth quarter…
OK, sure, Undersheriff Kevin McMahill did all of the 2015 work but Shhhhhhh!, but lets keep that between us and not tarnish the Mystique of the Office of Sheriff of Clark County, shall we, cuz this little tale just kept on getting better and better and its still on-going at publishing time too!
For me, the call came from WatchdogWag’s own mother, ‘Big Momma’ Zahara!
‘Has Lombardo whacked you yet’, she said. ‘No Ma’, I replied. ‘Donna and Morgan haven’t ordered a hit on you either? ‘Not yet Ma, we’re all good, so ‘sup?
‘Well, your boy’s on the live Channel 3 feed at UMC right now on Cox!
My Ma is part of a small army of readers, informants, sources, and psychos I’d dispatched to inform me when the sheriff is ‘live’. This was critically important to me because I’d yet to see him live on TV as sheriff and I hadn’t seen him on a live feed since he was candidate Lombardo, and its the very best way for me to assess how he’s doing with the feed being invaluable to my rather unique ways of critique and suggestion.
Joe was an especially good student he would soon prove!
The live feed is also always very entertaining regarding all that’s going on in the background too and the very first officer I saw was US Kevin McMahill, who spotted the mini-cams and Joe heading their way, and he did a nifty little plie’ and headed in the other direction. Then Assistant Sheriff Fasulo appears in the background Bingo!, I thought, but like he had a big cartoon piece of steel in his belly and the cameras a big cartoon magnet drawing him to them, he does a nano-second lurch toward them, then he fights the urge and does a groovy ‘lil Jackie Gleason two-step and goes toward US McMahill off-camera instead!
<–It may have been the very first time in recorded human history that Assistant Sheriff Fasulo declined to engage a media opportunity…and I was seeing it live on Channel 3!
(Oh, I know, I am truly blessed beyond my ability to even know!)
Then coming closer to! the cameras and five steps behind Sheriff Lombardo so she could check his ass out and slickly and slyly covering her sheriff ass-checking by carrying a bunch of files, was PIO Carla Alston! For the very first time in over a decade of knowing of her, I saw what the problem is and why despite some improvement, LVMPD PIO is still misfiring: It’s because Ms Alston’s current hairstyle is the exact same hairstyle my 78 year old mother wore from her 1970s wig collections!
So I called Ma back and asked her to tune in, then asked her take!
<–Said my Ma (left), ‘Who is that bitch and how did she get my g*ddamn wig?’
The PIO’s new Sgt guy forgot to get the rest of his hair cut and he and Ms Alston will be up here on the ‘Dawg’ again soon!
Joe had been up to see the shot up officer and was coming down to the area outside of UMC where the mini-cam vans were and he steps up and was being ‘mic-ed’. Lesson #1 I taught to then candidate AS Lombardo: Though the reporter is an important component of the ‘live’ interview, the most important person in the grouping isn’t her, or even you Joe, it’s the cameraman! If he hates you, he has devious ways of making you look and sound like a moron. Engage him, remember his name, call him out by name, buy him a beer, fix a parking ticket right there for him, for he is King!
<–When the media really hates ‘ya, this is what they do to you!
This insufferable bitch, the non-Hispanic hella-bitch Judge Betsy Gonzalez, actually believes she’s going to be going to the Nevada Supreme Court because she’s under the tutelage of the most corrupt consultant in Nevada, Dave Thomas, and he promised her that he’s the ‘judge-maker’ here!
He promised the exact same bullshit to his wife and you’ll recall how well that went for her!
If Betsy-Wetsy were an honest person at all and not faking that she’s a Latina, she’d be doing divorces and traffic cases here as a lawyer lizard over at Half-Priced Lawyers!
…and there’s Lombardo at UMC, calling out the cameraman, saying ‘hey’ to the Channel 3 guy–-live on the feed! My eyes are filling with tears of pride!
He’s tongue brushing his teeth during this–thoroughly too and with his mouth kept closed and no sucking or slurping sounds! I phoned his dentist and told him he would be so proud of Joe too cuz he was even doing the molars and wisdom teeth, and we were both doing a bit of manly, prideful sobbing by now because of Sheriff Lombardo’s dental dedication!
The interview begins and it just gets better and better! He says the officer was ‘lucky’ (he certainly was), but catches himself and corrects it out without turning into a Valley Girl, rolling his eyes, and scrunching up his face! I am damned near bawling my eyes out now, for he pulls off like an expert, the near-to-impossible when ‘live’, verbal gaffe repair!
…and it wasn’t that much of a gaffe really cuz the shot up officer, one of only a handful of LVMPD officers over 22 years old–he’s a 21 year veteran and a museum piece there—was lucky!
<–Then Joe responds to a question about his ‘feelings’ something I knew we needed to hear from him during the campaign before Jim Ferrence removed his testicles and made him into Neville Lombardo, the pasty British Guy!
…and Joe was perfect talking about his ‘guts being ripped out’ etc…flawlesss! That’s the side of Joe Lombardo I came to also know and am glad Clark County voters who were tuned in now also know too–no melodrama or embellishment, just Joe being Joe and how he felt about a subordinate and fellow officer being shot in the line of duty!
But there’s way more going on than all of this, the Metro Gossip Network is burning hot and bright because the Sheriff is being very modest at UMC and no one there in the media knows what had happened at the crime scene near to Stoney’s on Las Vegas Blvd South. My phone was ringing and I’m getting texts that Lombardo is there because US McMahill had called to inform him. Joe makes a speedy exit from the South Point and jumps into his 1973 Ford Pinto and speeds to the crime scene--still, nothing unusual about that.
…but as he pulls up, the perp comes outta nowhere and runs right in front of his Pinto and our sheriff, stuffed full of Christmas luncheon fare and dressed in his civies, pursues the perp on foot!
This new chapter in The Mystique of the Clark County Sheriff begins to be written, but the media at UMC hadn’t yet heard about Super JoeLo in his cape and tights!
The perp scales a fence and the sheriff did not and I’m blaming gravity and not his old age, cuz there’s a shitload of gravity in that part of the valley…the on foot pursuit ends there and the perp is found in Osaka Japan, I think, a few hours later and now forcing Betty Lou Sisolak and the CCBC to have to congratulate his Swaggerin’ Sheriffin’ when Sheriff Lombardo next appears before them and then the Fiscal Affairs Committee about Harris!
<–I thought end of story, and had this piece written when I had to help the Beers family try to get their grand-baby down here for her first Christmas!
The problem being a new house for the kids up in Oregon and my thought that it being Oregon and their first house, it naturally had to be a trailer so why not just borrow the neighbors hitch and drive the house down here!?
I ‘borrowed’ a baby from Wal-Mart for them just in case!
But right after assisting the Beers Family, there’s an international incident brewing at Miss Universe and I was tipped off about it way back in 2011 by my friend Marion Hugh who I met a Green Valley Grocery on Twain & Valley View one night and struck up a quick, though odd, lasting friendship. He told me a few weeks later to do ‘all that I could to ensure that comedian Steve Harvey never, ever hosts any kind of international pageant here because he’s a big, huge pot head and would rig the vote for the nation with the best weed!’
<–You may know Marion ‘Mar’, as Suge Knight, and I regret I forgot about his 2011 spot-on warning.
Damn! appeared in the thought bubble above my head!
All of Metro is in ISIS Crisis mode since Paris & San Bernie and since 97% of the Department in on vacation this month until All Hands on Deck for NYE, Sheriff Lombardo takes the podium again, in uniform this time, and does a full blown Press Conference briefing. He is knockin’ out some Damn Good Sheriffin’ again despite what’s appearing in the Thought Bubbles above his head. Here are some Lombardo Thought Bubbles exclusively from WatchdogWag Worldwide:
‘…That is the stupidest fuqn question I’ve ever heard!…’
‘…Whoops, thought-bubbled too soon, this little fuqr just topped you with an even stupider fuqn question!…’
‘…Of course she’s a whack-ass crazy bitch, dumb-ass! No self-respecting black woman would ever leave the house so splotchy and blotchy and with her extensions in such a hot mess!
‘…Boxers or briefs? Why isn’t Commando a choice here?’
OK, I may be taking some creative license here, but another side of Sheriff Lombardo I got to know was that he has an excellent sense of humor and though he’s been knocking ’em outta the park all month, I’d pay anything to be there when he’s talking with the guys over whatever it was he just went through with the media!
That’s gotta be some Damn Funny Good Sheriffin’!
But the sheriff is being modest again, for few know that it was Joe Lombardo who talked Miss Columbia off the ledge whose response when the Miss Universe SWAT Unit swept in with the news of the mistake,
‘Oh yeah beeetch? Just try to get ‘deez fuqn tiara off of my fuqn head!
She produced a semi-automatic weapon from the confines of her inner-boobular groove and everyone stepped back. Steve Harvey was completely wasted after smoking Miss Columbia’s weed and was stuffing Cheetos into his mouth leaving this huge orange Cheetos mustache around his mouth when Sheriff Lombardo walks up to Miss Columbia and talks calmly to and with her, he takes her gun and Sheetmetal Workers begin unbolting the crown from her head and Miss Philippines is over there thinking she’s all that and high-five-ing everyone cuz Metro fellas dig marrying Filipino girls…
International crisis averted!
Sheriff Joe Lombardo earns his pay becoming ‘The Pageant Whisperer’ in the process! He orders Steve Harvey roughed up and placed on an outbound flight…all in a day’s work!
He delivered during a Whack-Ass, Crazy Shit Vegas December no one could have predicted besides Suge Knight!
Uncle Joe’s got his Sheriffin’ Mojo working just fine and 11 months later, yep, he was worth the wait, indeed!
…and there’s still a few days left in 2015 too!
A National Treasure