Posted by Michael Zahara on Feb 9, 2016
Sooooo, the Lord wanted to tie one on and who was I to argue with Him? I should have chosen a quality local Dive Bar like 5th Street Bar on East Charleston instead of laying out $1150.75, plus $100 tip just for the first round of Ice Water–tap water, straight from Lake Mead with its always present fragrance of cat turds within its bouquet.
Our Disinterested Server possessing a popular girl’s name of 20 years ago–‘Hey Bitch’ said her name-plate–and Ms HB was disapproving of my not meeting even a 10% tip threshold for her new Personality Transplant she expected us to pay for I guess and she called for Security to escort us out and permanently bar both Mike Zahara and Jesus H Christ from Drais for my low-tipping audacity for the tap water she served to us in dirty glasses with lipstick smears!!!
Said the Bouncer to us, ‘OK, you two fuqrs must be old perv great-grandpas stopping here to check-off of your Bucket Lists before you kick off and begin your Dirt Naps…which are coming up sooner for you than expected with this lousy tipping you’re doing tonight.’
‘No, I’m the Son of God and my friend here is a Child of God’, replied Jesus!
‘Never heard of ‘ya, and the sign says, ‘No Old Pervs or Cheap Fuqrs Allowed!’, and you fellas are both!
See, I told you that no one would recognize me and Him at Drais, what I hadn’t anticipated was His reaction because at that very moment, time stood still and frozen like would once happen on the old ‘I Dream of Jeannie’ and ‘Bewitched’ 1960’s era Reality Shows where magically gifted females–who were partnered with two of the stupidest fuqrs who ever existed–and created as a TV-delivered elixir for the masses during the height of Vietnam and the Cold War, neither of which are taught about in any school district in America today because ‘both events were ‘bummers’ and fail to build self-esteem in students’ according to the spokesman for the CCSD!
‘That is very cool Lord; you know you’ve never used that powerful ‘freeze’ gift you’ve got when we’d gone out before?’, I said.
‘Michael, Michael, my precious little dumb-ass! Son, I am the name and the face of Christianity in the Cosmos and you take me to a place where no one recognizes me?’ What did you think all of that ‘I am’ business was all about?’ asked a perplexed, but not annoyed J-Man.
‘Oh geez Jesus, I meant no harm or disrespect to your brand Father which is still #1 in the entire universe and the Kardashians are so distant a 2nd Place to your 1st they’re even farther away from you than the ‘new and improved’ planet Pluto is according to that guy who killed off the old Pluto who just happened to have a new Pluto laying around out there and taking 20,000 years to orbit the Sun?
Soooo, I’ve gotta ask Holy One, that new Pluto is right about where Heaven is, isn’t it and the old Pluto was just a ruse so we’d stop looking in that neighborhood, right?, I questioned confidently.
‘My child, human curiosity is both a blessing and a curse it turns out and you ask too many questions and are too smart for your own good at times!’
Knowing I was in forbidden territory and perhaps pissing Him off, I reached into my back pack and pulled out a fifth of Kettle One Vodka, Minute Maid orange juice, and a couple of chalices I had brought along just in case He wished to take a walk on the Strip and go across the street and watch the fountains for a while as we talked. Since everyone else in Drais was in freeze-frame, the Lord was pleased and in a very forgiving mood about my line of questioning, he blessed the bottle which despite two solid hours of my pouring quads for us, never lessened in volume.
We were shit-faced in no time and he said, ‘Michael, your namesake is the Biggest, Baddest, & Best Archangel with the Golden Sword and everything even though you’re named for your great-grandfather who died drunk in the neighbor’s yard on 23rd & Hoyne one New Year’s Eve before you were even conceived, let us drink a toast to your great grand-father!’
‘To Great-Grandpa Mike, Na Zdorovie!’, I stated as we clinked chalices and guzzled in his honor.
Jesus continued, ‘My family, like the British Royal family and the FBI, never confirms or denies anything my son.’
‘Oh, so Tom Delay is full of shit again about the FBI leaking to him of Hillary’s pending indictment?‘. I said.
‘Completely’, said the Messiah.
‘OK, so what about Donald Trump Jesus, is he just Divinely inspired sarcasm? And who would he choose as his VP?’,I asked
<–Former First Lady Barbara Bush (left) is smokin’ mad that son Jeb left Iowa with only one delegate and is now publicly wondering if she should have unlocked the attic and let Neil Bush out to run instead!
Every family has their ‘Fredo’ and Neil ‘Corleone’ Bush is the biggest fuq up of the entire Bush family of entitled-feeling fuq-up politicians!
‘What I can tell you my son is that my Pop has a great sense of humor which is why Tourettes is such a fun malady to have if you’re human but its’s not ‘The Donald’ who is divinely inspired sarcasm my child, but Bernie Sanders!
That crazy old fuqr took half the Dem activist base in Iowa from Hillary and she doesn’t see that as a major problem much like Jeb leaving there with just one delegate…and I can tell you Michael that Barbara Bush is spittin’ nails big-time about that!’, mused a bit buzzed Savior.
<–I really enjoy amusing the Lord, but when I can make Him belly-laugh, I really feel that I’ve accomplished something special!
‘As for the Vice Presidency my son, what we do know is that he will not choose Ben Carson who is a great guy but can be a stupid fuqr when he opens his mouth–much like Danny Tarkanian–because the moment Trump would take the Oath of Office, the Chief Justice would pop him right there so that he could swear-in Carson as America’s first Black president!’
‘You were so spot-on calling the current guy a ‘pretentious self-absorbed Bougie bastard’ my precious little dumb-ass; you have served history so well calling him out as soon as you did because my Pop had thought that a silver-spooned white-suburban guy who looked like a Black guy would work for 2008 and all I can say is we’re sorry for the mistake that was our steering that little stupid fuqr to the White House my son!‘, continued the Son of God.
‘I’m guessing he chooses a Rubio as VP though Trump will win the Florida Primary outright, he’ll be thinking about November.’, said Jesus.
‘Every cycle Pop says he’s not going to get involved in decisions you humans make for yourselves, but he does steer some things from time-to-time which is why there won’t be a 2nd President Clinton because we find Bernie Sanders to be a great gift of laughter in Heaven–what a putz—and the same goes for Donald Trump, my son!’, smiled the Lord.
I switched gears to Nevada and the senate race between Sister Mary Catherine Cortez Masto and Joe Heck before we became too buzzed.
‘Father, there’s some improvement but those Sequoia trees are still snickering about how wooden SMCCM is on the hustings and those awful Press Releases are still so far to her left and still so Washington sounding, I’ve heard that she has no one from Nevada helping, not even an Erin Bilbray Kohn or a Ronni Council to make them sound like something a Nevadan would even say! How does she not even have Organized Karma as one of her top firms?
Is this Harry Reid hellbent on destroying yet another of our top-tiered Dem Fems again like he’d done to Shelley, Dina, Kate, Kim, not to mention the whole 2014 ticket he personally tanked?’ I asked.
‘Michael, my precious, precious dumb-ass; my son, you’ve always called out Harry Reid as the untrustworthy, two-faced little rat-fink he’s always been, and he’d always been ‘All About Harry’ and nothing else–look what he did to Rory his own son!!—what he did to those four females you mentioned and is now doing again to SMCCM, is sinful, but Catherine has a free will she’s not yet utilizing and with both she and Joe Heck being ‘Catlick’ as you say, we in ‘the family’ are officially neutral though she should walk away with this, but because she’s farting around, it will be a very close race and she is tempting fate by making Satan’s Little Helper Harry happy instead of appealing to the moderate-to-conservative Dems which make up the overwhelming majority of your party’s voters in Nevada.
I know that you have facilitated something very nice to happen for Catherine this fall and no one in Nevada has been more candid with her since you two first met when she scared the living crap out of every single little old lady at the Pyramid Building at the Clark County Government Center when she first ran.
My precious dumb-ass child, Harry wants Dean Heller as Governor in 2018 which is why he’s pumping sunshine up Sisolak’s no talent ass and unless your boy Stavros kicks it into gear and starts appearing up North very soon, that’s what’s going to happen with Heller’s senate seat going to Michael Roberson who is just biding his time with CD03 and delighting watching Michele-a Fiore self-destruct and happy to have Danny beat him this time out despite all the money he’s raised, that’s my son, is the Harry, Billy V & Peter Troika’s plan today!’
<–During the campaign, I introduced you to Sister Mary Peaches, Sheriff Joe Lombardo’s 2nd-grade nun teacher, who was shocked to hear the Lord’s view on his re-election!
We were sitting on the stone railing fronting the fountains at the Bellagio by now and had covered a lot of ground so far, so I thought I’d throw in a question about Sheriff Lombardo to change the tone a bit and bring this meeting to an end.
‘Is Joe Lombardo a one-termer Father?’, I asked. ‘Yes my son, he hates the public aspects of his job and wishes to run a Third World nation abutting a warm ocean or sea despite the hurricanes and such’, he replied. So who’s up next to be sheriff here?, I asked.
‘That would be Sheriff-elect Norman Jahn who’s going to pretend that he just got the email offer you made to him years back in 2012 telling him your sofa was his to surf while he came back to Nevada to run for sheriff and you’re going to be OK with that Little White Lie from Norman too!’ stated the Holy One.
<–LVMPD 2018 Sheriff-elect Norman Jahn!
‘Umm, let’s keep that between us Father cuz I’m still tying up loose ends from 2014 and only Captain Burns knows that I completed the analysis of the 2014 race and declared the person who would have walked away with the office if they were at all interested in running then, and he only knows because I saw him first and haven’t yet seen the other three since I completed it last year.
I haven’t even told my readers yet Father, and it wasn’t Joe or Larry, Bobby or Ted!‘ I stammered.
‘I know my son and it was excellent work and you were quite correct in your thesis which never surprises we in ‘the family’, but you’re sitting on an even bigger piece you haven’t yet shared with your readers about what’s at stake in Nevada in 2016 and its so good, you made my Pop cry again, so what are you waiting for my son?’ asked a curious Jesus of me as he called for His limo.
<–This mystery person would have won the Office of Sheriff in 2014 had they been interested per my 2015 analysis!
‘Timing it correctly Father, too early and no national interest, too late and it gets lost in the local clutter’, I said.
‘So what are you giving up for Lent Michael?’, chirped the Lord.
‘Rest assured Father, it’s not going to be politics!’, I said
‘No son, you’re at your peak and too damned good now’. With that, His limo appear and we hugged and made a tentative Brunch date for after Easter but before Mother’s Day and next time, The Lord is choosing our meeting place per His Command to me as we said ‘good-bye’!
A National Pleasure!