‘nother Metro Goodguy Shoutout Files: As most of you know, Metro’s motorcycle cops from their Traffic Bureau travel in pairs much like nuns the world over do and this is largely done for their safety and the nuns’ safety too because a lot of pervs are attracted to both in their official ‘uniforms’

<–This LVMPD Traffic Bureau Nun/Sgt was too good at her job heaving hell and damnation as well as tickets to wayward drivers so she was recently reassigned to the Strip!!!

She and Lt Bobby Duval are now pastoring to the homeless people on the Strip!

So I’m riding along in my jalopy (a 1976 Burgundy AMC Pacer with 2 million miles on it!) in early May and from about two blocks away, I notice a pair of our nun cops on Harleys and they were turning into my favorite Starbucks for a break and I decided to follow ‘em and do a little writing.

After getting settled down and in I decided to go over and introduce myself to both men.  You know, now that I think about it, I have never seen a woman on a Harley at the LVMPD and I’ll have to look into that now!

<–The WatchdogWagmobile!!!  To the Batcave Robin!!!

Anyway, the guy that caught my attention from two blocks away is one Officer Rich Schmidtt (forgive me if I spelled or got your name wrong and please don’t punch me!) and this guy was great! He looked like the Terminator and he was just off-the-charts in how he interacted with me not knowing that I write this ‘lil blog they all hate on MLK.

I waited two months to mention this to see if he’d remember talking with me at that Starbucks on Paradise; his 13 year old skinny blonde haired partner didn’t say a single word or acknowledge me at all and that’s a training issue in my book!  Son, you have one of Metro’s cushiest assignments and you get to ride around on a Hog all day long—take yourself a good healthy crap and try harder to not look like you have a bumble bee up your butt in public.

Officer Schmitt is a big, burly, giant guy who could never do undercover work because he probably looked like a cop since he was four years old! That’s what caught my attention from that far away; he wasn’t a typical LVMPD motorcycle cop who most are more often than not about 2 donuts shy of 300lbs; he was in decent shape and nearer to my age and about 9ft tall too!

The repartee and banter we had for those five minutes or so had me wondering why this fella isn’t in the PR Wing of the Department; he was that damn good and you could tell that he liked his job and that he loved being a cop! I missed the Open House for the Traffic Bureau’s new digs so I don’t know if he was part of all of that.

Sidebar: More on the Traffic Bureau’s new digs coming up; yet another colossal Cluster F under Doug Gillespie—the very worst police chief in America!!!  Again, the local media didn’t write a word about it either!!!

Officers, it shows—it really does—your attitude out there is being observed by everyone you see and meet and by those in the background too that you do not see.

Schmitt!  Good job!  Naw, great job really; I was really impressed and I would fill my pants with shit if you ever pulled me over though you were one of the nicest and very best cops I’ve met here!

You’ve got my vote for Sheriff if you should ever decide to run and I’ll run your race for free too!

Call me!

*********

I’ve never met Metro Sargeant Andrew Legrow of the LVMPD’s very cushy Northwest Area Command—it’s like working at a Country Club up there!—but he’s the guy who popped a Chimpanzee that was jaywalking on Ann Rd according to video accounts I’ve yet to see.

<–The Chimp’s attorney called a Press Conference to announce a lawsuit on behalf of Buddy the Chimp’s family and for Metro failing to include primates in its new Use of Force policy!

Longtime Dawg readers will remember that I have major issues with primates in general having had monkey shit throw at me often as a kid:

http://www.watchdogwag.com/?p=77

‘…How far has our society fallen when your own monkey rips off your best friend’s face and you have him on Xanax?  Call me old-fashioned, but shouldn’t you just be giving your monkey liquor like responsible monkey owners do?…

‘…I like animals and kids, and kids and animals like me back–I’ve never been bitten by either–but I’m not a fan of monkeys.  When I was a little kid, my friend Timmy Tingle, yes, that was his real name, had a monkey, and his monkey was an asshole.  Folks, all monkeys are assholes, that’s why they’re called monkeys! If he got mad at you, which was often, he would reach into his diaper and throw his shit at you. Then one day, without explanation, the monkey was gone.

No one ate over at the Tingle house ever again…’

<–WatchdogWag Exclusive #1: Not reported was that Buddy the Chimp sexually harrassed & assaulted singer Katy Perry by playing with her tit just before he went ape-shit on Ann Rd!!!

She has that kind of power on males of all species!

So I went up there to assess Metro’s Monkey Murder for my readers and got this verbatim account of how the officers reacted to this Metro killing of an unarmed chimp:

NWAC Officer #1: Oh shit, another monkey is loose and its jumping up and down on cars!

NWAC Officer #2: It’s not a monkey you big dumbshit; he’s a chimpanzee!  I say let’s go to 7-11 for Slurpees to discuss this further!

NWAC Officer #1: Tomato Tomahto, further farther dude! What should we do?  Nothing ever happens up here and we’ve forgotten all of our Academy training but if we all head to 7-11 we’ll get in trouble again!

NWAC Officer #2: Let’s call in the Sarge, he’ll know what to do since he’s been around for 30 years he has to have handled an out of control chimp before!

NWAC Sgt Legrow: Son-of-a-bucket!  I go 27 years counting down the days to retirement and now I have to deal with monkey bullshit?  Any of you remember if monkeys are covered in Dougie’s new Use of Force Policy?

NWAC Officer #2: It’s a chimpanzee, not a monkey sir!

NWAC Sgt Legrow: Why you little &^*@ )&%$, I’ll call him whatever I want, now go wash my black and white; that’ll teach you to correct me when we have monkey mayhem up here in peaceful and quiet NWAC where all we do is drive around and do basically nothing all day!

**********

Shortly afterward, Sgt Legrow decided to pop the chimp when he started to jaywalk on Ann Rd. Jaywalking in Las Vegas was recently made a capital offense and despite his offing the chimp, he also gave him a $190.00 ticket which the chimp’s estate must still pay!

<–Sgt Legrow took the chimp down with some heavy firepower using an AR 15 firing at least two shots and likely leaving monkey meat all over Ann Rd in the process!

A simple .38 would have done the trick Sarge and you took a risk in a populated area with such heavy firepower but like I said, I have issues with primates so good job sir!

Though powerful, this rifle is also very accurate which is why he probably chose to use it rather than his sidearm because they rarely get to use their big guns in NWAC!

That’s one less primate that could reach into his diaper and throw his shit at me too!

<–WatchdogWag Exclusive #2!!! This photo shows the late chimpanzee drawing his weapon against Sgt Andrew Legrow and the legit media completely failed to mention this important fact so the Sergeant gets a pass both for offing the chimp and for using heavy firepower and my undying affection for offing a crazy out of control monkey too!!!

Yeah, I know, chimpanzee.  It’s all the same to me!

I sense yet another Pulitzer Prize for my tireless work for the loyal readers of the WatchdogWag Project!

Michael Zahara
7/20/2012
www.WatchdogWag.com