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The Mailbag aka ‘How the Hell Would I Know?’ Returns!

Posted by Michael Zahara on Jan 18, 2015

LVMPD AIr Lombardo 2015You readers about ready to kill me for writing about Metro for more than a year which I’m confident would include Sheriff Lombardoaren’t getting any relief today; sorry about that.  Although Air Lombardo has landed and didn’t crash onto 23rd & Bonanza, it’s like it landed at DFW which takes approximately 2.7 hours to then taxi over to the terminal which I think is in Louisiana if you’ve ever flown into Dallas, but don’t quote me.


Sorry gentle reader:  I meant to ask, but throughout the campaign, I kept forgetting to ask everyone but not the two subjects of course, whether or not Stavros Anthony and Joe Lombardo hated each other’s guts or not, so instead, just for shits and giggles, I’m just declaring now that they did and see where that goes!

Dr Stavros Anthony used his former Regent juice and Metro Hairy Captaining to get for himself all sorts of PhDshe’s now a witch doctor, a foot doctor, and Doctor Love from the KISS tune which is pretty impressive for a former cop and may make ‘policy wonk’ Sheriff Lombardo feel a little inferior.

Councilman Dr Stavros Anthony LVMPD Mike Zahara<–LV Councilman, former LVMPD Captain, University Regent, and Jill Derby’s major crush, Dr Stavros Anthony–seen here before rounds at the Foot Clinic–and his pal, Bob Beers, are both enormously popular already and their anti-stadium stands are gaining them even more love from the voting public!

Yep, Michele Fiore  completely blew these two off and chose to go all Lipton instead of studying these two traditional GOPers and she’s still lying about what she did that still has her boiling in oil within her own party tonight!

You’re right, most ‘wonk’ types wouldn’t list professional magazines and Penthouse Forum under ‘books’ they’ve read like my buddy ‘Hollywood Joe’ was allowed to do without correction by his nincompoop manager, Jim FerrenceNope, one would normally brief their candidate on things like ‘Serpico’, ‘Prince of the City’, ‘Bright Lights, Dark Places’, or the masterpiece and the bible of all good cops, ‘Green Eggs and Ham’.

It was Local Treasure, reporter Ana Bey over at the LV Sun, who grabbed on to ‘policy wonk’ and now prefaces everything she writes about Sheriff Lombardo as such: ‘Policy Wonk, Sheriff Joe Lombardo, was rumored by senior staffers to be both gassy today and relayed that he was constipated too…’

Presidential shorty shorts LVMPD 2015This is why the Department, regardless of who is Sheriff, needs a Political Director to clear shit like this up and to make sure the new PIO ensures that we never see Joe’s hairy, skinny-ass pigeon legs in shorts flopping around like Bill Clinton used to do running from McDonald’s to McDonald’s when he was president—still not as powerful as Sheriff of Clark County—sorry ‘bout that Barack!


LVMPD Captain Brett Primas 2015LVMPD Captain Will Scott 2015<–Captains Brett Primas and Will Scott at the LVMPD Beauty Parlor & Gossip Salon this past Saturday morning!

Yes, to another reader: Joe’s first two weeks from Sea of Blue to Detective Kinch only fortify my points of view that Metro is an unmitigated disaster on Media and PR and me, who has blasted DC Schofield many times before, is slack-jawed as he was the highest ranking officer to respond correctly notifying USSS, and yes, I think he lost the Assistant Sheriff spot the undeserving, under-qualified Kirk Primas got instead, because he did the right thing.  If he can fix Vice and empower his subordinates in Tourist Safety to perform, he may get the last laugh.

LVMPD Deputyy Chief Brett ZimmermanLVMPD Deputy Chief Neville 2015LVMPD Lt Laz ChavezFrom left, Deputy Chiefs Brett Zimmerman, Patrick Neville, and Lt Laz Chavez at the same spot last Saturday afternoon!

No one at the LVMPD Beauty Parlor and Gossip Salon had that Primas going there despite the lovely evening gowns collection he has in his wardrobe!  I didn’t even hear the name ‘Primas’ until September and I thought it was Joe saying, ‘Jesus Christ, I hope those two fqrs retire’, but concede it may have been ‘Butterfly Lombardo’ who actually said it.


My question to myself:  Who’s doing the Political and the PR?  Anyone?  Joe needed this bullshit first up as the new sheriff?  Joe as former AS of Personnel allowed this to linger until he was sheriff, or did Sheriff Sociopath deliberately delay it and force it onto him as an ‘F-you for taking my office away from me?’ is also a question I’ve gotten at least 20 times and all I can say is no one asked me for advice.  Joe would have smelled much nicer than he currently does if they had, though that’s a lot of bullshit PR to perfume!

LVMPD Traffic Bureau Officer releiving himself at MLK Parade 2015<-This unidentified LVMPD Traffic Bureau Officer was spotted by me relieving himself into a wheel-barrow the other afternoon within DTAC’s borders (his dick’s gotta be in there somewhere!) and making me wonder if they’re really all shooting for 500 lbs over there or if their new Captain is gonna start to crack some major-weight loss whip there!

I don’t fear a Harley from Traffic hitting me or falling on me, but I do fear a Traffic Bureau Officer falling on me and crushing me to death!

I’ve kept my mouth shut for years ’cause I liked Captain Taverez and respected him for his post-Prendes performance, and I always shout out good officers at Traffic whenever I run into them, but this Bureau, without question, has some of the worst officer attitudes and conduct with the public that I’ve ever seen and we’ll get into that and their bullshit much more this year!

It’s PR 101 that one handles one disaster at a time and that all else that follows, follows whatever it is you said and did on disaster #1.  So yes, it’s Chicken and Egg here: Did the Sea of Blue Speech come with the knowledge that Kinch was on-deck and soon to hit the media, or despite it?

‘Sea of Blue’ and Kinch in the first two weeks?  Oh Todd, did you get my invitation to come see me in my office son?  Has Carla gotten all of her shit into McCurdy’s truck yet?

I’m not a Type-A, but rather a Type-Z and though I have never yelled and screamed, I think I made Ted Moody cry about 20 times just with ‘The Look’, so bring a lot of Kleenex when you two stop by!


No I’m not surprised; Yes, I am disappointed, but the Overall is Strong

Sheriff Lombardo, by his appointments, has accepted the title of ‘The Great Delegator of the LVMPD’ and since he unbeknownst to him, appointed me Imaginary Undersheriff, I’m not looking forward to ‘type-A Uncle Joe’ who I’m told can be unpleasant to the peasants except racist Facebook posting Detectives it appears.

But as ‘Celebrity Sheriff’, he can’t ever let that show to us, his adoring public, because he hasn’t followed a single thing I suggested he do in the 2,167,393 page Metro Manifesto I sent to him after he was elected.

Sonofabitch!  He had it upholstered and made a g*ddamn ottoman for his office out of it!

LVMPD Sheriff Lombardo 1sr cousin Vesuvius Lombardo_Erupts<–Sheriff Joe Lombardo’s 1st cousin, Vesuvius Lombardo’s, fiery reaction when Joe’s Dad simply asked him to ‘pass the salt’ at last Thanksgiving’s Lombardo Family Feast, which is why he’s been sentenced to a solid year at the Card Table in the garage with the kids for 2015!

F-up Ferrence in his great incompetency, declined to let Joe Lombardo show to any of us what it is that makes him Joe Lombardo—what twists and turns him; what really pisses him off—Jesus Christ, he’s Italian for God’s sake,  we should have gotten at least a couple of expletives out of him during the campaign and instead, Jim Ferrence had him running not as the handsome, Italian-American hot-headed passionate guy who knows how to throw bar punches; no, the little fuqr had removed Joe’s testicles and had him running as the retarded, pasty, British Guy, Neville Lombardo, instead!

Wtf is that all about?

LVMPD Sheriff Neville Lombardo January 2015LVMPD Sheriff Neville Lombardo the other day asking sheepishly that his testicles be returned unharmed and in return, Jim Ferrence can have France!

As I noted in the previous work, Lombardo clearly enjoys the good stuff about his job, and he’s contained his Type-A side publicly so far, very nicely, but that can’t last.  He’s gonna blow up like Vesuvius about something soon, somewhere down the line because he’s not British. He’s an Italian-American and the Sheriff of Clark County and eventually other Italian-Americans lead by Dominic Gentile, are going to be asking him, ‘Hey, stunad, what’s with this pasty British guy bullshit from you?’

LVMPD Sheriff 1st Cousin Vesuvius Lombardo<–Sheriff Joe Lombardo’s 1st cousin, Vesuvius Lombardo, was very calm the other day!  

‘Vesi’, as the whole family calls him, only likes his and Joe’s Aunt Susie, who’s a real sweetheart and leading to a full investigation over how in the hell she ended up in this family!

It’s an Italian thing and I hope when he does blow his top it’s for God forbid, something like a little kid getting bumped, or an old lady popped, or something equally heinous and not about paperclips and toilet paper or some equally stupid shit like that.

Though Lombardo doesn’t give a rat’s ass about paperclips (though he along with me demands Jumbo and never those g*ddamn stupid-ass little ones, so stop buying those Todd) or toilet paper, he’s delegated those responsibilities as ‘The Great Delegator Sheriff’ to Assistant Sheriff Todd Fasulo who innovated with the ‘LVMPD Hello Kitty Mini-Pads’ in the Ladies Rooms Department-wide which is the sole reason he was promoted-too-soon to Assistant Sheriff by his buddy Uncle Joe.

Sidebar:  Hey, Fasulo, it’s me again.  Did you get the message that I needed to see you in my office cowboy? 

LVMPD Assistanty Sheriff Todd Fasulo in Big Girl britches<–Damn proud of his weight loss (from 796, down to a svelte 491!) and showing off his Big Girl britches at the 2015 MLK Parade, Assistant Sheriff Todd Fasulo promised me he could tell Joe when he was fuqn somthing up!

Stupid me forget to consider that Toddles needed to have the ability to determine what exactly a fuq up would be!


Yes, reader: I do think Joe stumbled in promoting first Kirk Primas and Todd Fasulo to Assistant Sheriff both who did nothing extraordinary except Primas in that evening gown, or especially deserving of such exalted promotion and Fasulo, with so much new power, (shit, he could turn into Mussolini with a Badge at any second!) reinforces the ‘one-term and out’ rumors Joe’s doing nothing to tamp down since even the pope thinks a future Sheriff McMahill will name Toddles his Undersheriff and not me.

AS Kirk Primas LVMPD<–I knew now Assistant Sheriff Kirk Primas (left, looking  so damn alluring and so hella-sexy, I think I’m throwin’ a chub!) would get some new position under Sheriff Lombardo, but I thought it would be ‘busy work’ involving macaroni, construction paper, and Elmer’s Glue like Douglas used to try to find to keep now retired AS McCurdy busy and without his hands in his pants all day and begging the question:

Is AS Primas the new Radio McCurdy?

In all seriousness, Greg McCurdy has one of the best subordinate crews over at the SLS on the Strip which forced me to ask the SLS GM if that was because they had already replaced him!

Nope,  said the GM, ‘McCurdy is still here Mr Dawg and it’s just shear dumb luck and coincidence that our crew is so damn good’!


Anyway, yep, I thought that Lombardo would have bitten on a suggestion that he appoint a number of Assistant Sheriffs and rotate and cross train them with regularity since the position is considered the pinnacle to the regular rank and file and I think that Deputy Chiefs James Owens and Al Salinas should have been named as Assistant Sheriffs and then rotated and/or retired out.  Appointed Police Chiefs do these largely political moves every day as a reward for good service, a thank-you for being a pro, because they’re buddies with this guy or that gal, or because the unions wish to bump up a favored member who served the community well.

No little kid says to his Pop when he’s five years old, ‘You know Pop, I really want to be an Admin cop when I grow up, now get me some ice cream dammit!’, but 50 years later, this is unbelievably important to the (still just) men who are orbiting near to the position at this stage of their careers at the LVMPD and within its internal culture.

Joe Lombardo has this power; this is one of the great perqs of his position, he can do whatever it is he pleases and wishes to do.

Dunkin Donuts opened in Office of Sheriff Clark County 2015<–Pointing to his being an Empire Builder, Sheriff Joe Lombardo received universal accolades by installing the first Dunkin’ Donuts inside of the Office of Sheriff to make ass-chewings more acceptable to subordinate staff!

Powerful, powerful stuff!

But whatever he did, kept both DCs as active duty officers and his salesmanship must have come into play too because both men were expected to exit without elevation and that would have opened the floodgates of other officers turning in their paperwork to ‘get out of Dodge’ and retire which would have decimated the LVMPD since we only have about 129 officers on staff now.

DC Salinas, the highest ranking Latino officer in LVMPD history, over to Professional Standards I thought very deft of Joe Lombardo, especially if he said ‘Al, you big lug, go do whatever it is you need to do and only come to me when you need a donut, or if Primas’s evening gowns are disruptive to morale again; you answer only to me and Kev despite numbnutz being your superior.’

Salinas is a mentoring Training Cop at heart and I hope that’s exactly how it went for him; Personnel is ecstatic for him and pumped up for themselves, but without IAB under him too, the jury is still out.

I thought we talked about the thong Joe 2015 LVMPDUndersheriff Kevin McMahill 2015<–***WatchdogWag Exclusive*** 

I can never get good pix out of the PIO office at the LVMPD for some reason, but accidentally found these shots of Sheriff Joe Lombardo’s hairy ass (left) and Undersheriff Kevin McMahill’s smooth ass (right), right there, framed on Carla Alston’s desk this morning, so I swiped ’em while her spokeswoman was explaining to me what a total bunch of ‘tards each grouping of Brass she’s worked under, truly were!

Readers, I swear, I had the ‘Stop wearing those fqn thong things’ intervention talk with Joe Lombardo at 9:17am, on Friday January 10, 2014 last year; I regret to inform however, I never got around to it with now US McMahill, and now everyone is wearing ’em, dammit!  

A spokeswoman, Carla something or other, assured me that the US had a cheek itch and not a dingleberry, in his photo!

Welcome to your new reality directly under these four ass cheeks Captain Primas!!!

Then I thought about it for a sec and wondered if Joe, by placing Bad Primas over IAB under US McMahill was doing exactly what he did to Toddles‘containing him’ under his Italian hairy ass cheek, and also under McMahill’s hair-free Irish ass cheek, after both had spent the entire evening eating Burritos and drinking beer too!

This could be the most brilliant decision yet, or another Hindenburg for the new sheriff!  You’ll never convince me that Joe Lombardo doesn’t know every stinkin’ plus and minus of all 5,000 of you, which is another reason he won my support.

Fly with that kids; get out of your comfort zones and become all-stars!

With DC Owens over at the new Community Policing under Patrol with all the Area Commands, he’s got to change officers and the shoot ‘em up mentality even more so than has been done to date and his subordinates are delighted for him and themselves too.  I’m very pleased for him and hope he is happy too.

Neck irritation 1 16 2015<–I fired the now former Chief of Staff, Dr India Guy Dude, after he informed me last week that I did not choose the ObamaCare plan which included a Stylist and Salon, so I appointed my Student Nurse, Adrianne (left & very happy about the news!) to lead the entire Valley Heath System as CEO because she’s committed to the concept that no patient should ever have bad hair!


I wish to thank both men for being so g*ddamn boringChief Owens, I just completed a stay with our friends at the Valley Health Systems who asked me each night if I wanted something to help me sleep, and I said, ‘Naw, just let me watch some of Jimbo’s YouTubes and I’ll be in deep REM sleep in a few seconds, and I mean that as the highest compliment I can give to you sir’and you both are so good at your jobs; you are both exceptional officers and I did my very best to try to get you guys elevated but Primas’s evening gowns were very tough to overcome in the end and Todd is, well Todd, for God’s sake!  That Joe hasn’t yet seen a value in your promotions is a disrespect to the constituencies you both fall under and it was tin-eared and short-sighted of him pushing ‘the first’ back again for Latinos, and upsetting a number of the Department’s Mormon Mafia who are still enormously powerful at the LVMPD, but Owens seems content to me and them.

Supporters of Ted Moody and Larry Burns have not laid down arms and are biding their time today; we’ll know sometime this year if Sheriff Lombardo is Empire Building or if it’s just ‘more of the same’ and after a shaky start to date; I’m still very hopeful for the former!

The Primas’ notwithstanding, of course!

Mike Zahara Siganture

Michael Zahara