“This is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things!’

Posted by Michael Zahara on May 5, 2018

<—-Snooki Wolfson (left), we suspect is the Black Sheep newly adopted daughter of Steve Wolfson and Jackie Glass and done as a politically corrective action to save The Bearded One!

I’ve already gone ahead and just blamed Judge Jackie Glass for causing Steven Wolfson’s 2018 Super Major Fuq Ups! since its always the easiest path of least resistance to blame her, then everyone starts shaking their heads in agreement, and we’ve got a potential defeat-causing crisis diffused and diverted to another political airport!

As always, I am a solutions and results-oriented National Treasure at my very core!


‘Reality Television’ is one very strong component in why some of our beloved politicos here are making exceptionally bad choices and inexplicable errors in both their professional and personal judgements.  Honest to God, I have given considerable thought these past days to four of them I have championed and cheered for them to lean hard toward their respective abilities to rise above and then continue to stand above, that which is the open sewer we live in and love, Las Vegastan!

The following Electeds are all grounded for months, there’ll be no Prom for any of you this year either, give me your car keys right now, and no, Mommy and Daddy are so disappointed in your behavior after all that we do to show you how much we used to kind of love you as tax deductions, but there’ll also be no Disneyland for any of you either!  You’ve made Mommy cry and gave Daddy heartburn you ungrateful little bastards and you are also so out of the will permanently too! So there!

‘Oh yeah bitch, remember Eric & Lyle Menendez?  We do!, said a voice which sounded just like like all four of them below:


Steve Wolfson, Joe Lombardo, Joe Bonaventure, and Melanie Andress-Tobiasson have all recently spectacularly failed those demands I’ve placed upon them on behalf of all of us, and that’s a bitter pill for me to swallow here!  Doesn’t this very bad medicine come in a chewable, or liquid, Gummy Bear or Flinstones form yet?

Some may mistake my frustrations thinking I’m demanding infallibility and perfectionism which is patently false since Perfect People are some of the most annoying insufferable little fuqrs of all, never living up to their billing, and usually fuqing up the whole damn thing they’re involved in or with!


Does anyone out there have any idea what Sheriff Joe Lombardo is doing?  Does Joe Lombardo have any idea what Joe Lombardo is doing?  $1 will be going to anyone who can tell me who that guy is fuqing everything up over at the Clark County DA now and what have they done with the real Steve Wolfson who couldn’t possibly have three fatal fuq-ups with me this year? No, I refuse to believe that Wolfson has lost my own confidence in him to be able to be a confident DA able to successfully prosecute Confidence men, women, trannies and children here!

Though certainly no Sonny he that much is clear, damn clear dammit, so what has happened to Chief Judge Joe Bonventure?  Is that vaguely female-ish looking kind of, I don’t know, personage, how’s that sound?, identifying’ as something new now and fuqing him up?

Oh look, and there’s Judge Melanie Andress-Tobiasson waving to me from one of the pews way in the back hoping that I won’t be calling on her to gimme some answers today!  What are you doing here starring in this piece today ma’am?  Please empty your pockets and keep your hands where our readers can see them judge.

<—Judge Tobiasson, you do know that the ‘The Double Joes & a Steve’ are trying to whack you, right ?


In any other jurisdiction anywhere in the entire universe, these four former favorites of mine now residing in my political purgatory would be losing their elections very badly this cycle accompanied by throngs of aware and angry villagers with fire–and lots of it!—and pitchforks and bump stocks too!  None appear to even be politically parking lot dinged by a shopping cart flying at warp speed and their transgendered transgressions are such that their very qualification to remain in their current elected offices would normally have a civic-minded participating citizen voter doing a major purge after a very bad binge by these four Electeds, however, it was discovered that there are only three civic-minded citizens here and ‘4 is bigger than 3‘ was how it was ‘man-splained’ to me by the Clark County Coroner, though I didn’t ask him and I don’t know him.

Did you guys know that attorney Robert Langford marrying Judge Ann E Zimmerman is even being credited by Amnesty International for him making her honor ‘a goddamned delight on the SoNev bench!’ per the group’s Press Release last summer and they being rather amazed then that he not only went to Italy with her, but brought her back from Italy…and on the same plane with him too!

…And looky-looky here readers at the kind of stuff Mr Smartie Pants Lawyer Guy Judge-Marrier knows about:


Mr Langford, you are hereby endorsed by me for Clark County District Attorney and I will work for your election and congratulate your romance.  I hadn’t expected to be doing this divorce piece my being a very big fan of Steve Wolfson once but now I’m all about, ‘You broke my heart thrice Steve ‘Fredo’ Wolfson!

….oh goddammit, give me your hanky or shirt sleeve again Robert so I can blow my nose and wipe these tears of sorrow and snots and blood and gore galore and finish this piece…while wondering out loud why you haven’t invited me to lunch to talk about this and that!


…and to add further proof that there are No Degrees of Separation about or regarding anything here—it’s all inter-connected—had Dog Shit Dusty now 100% unearned and underserved Assistant Sheriff Charles Hank III been charged today with brutally beating his first wife as he’d done to her in 2010 but was never charged, he’d have been appearing in front of Judge Melanie Andress Tobiasson—the RJC’s Domestic Violence Judge Goddess—here in Las Vegastan!

…oh, and by the wayso would Sheriff Joe Lombardo who once ducked and dodged his own appearances in Domestic Violence Court so goes the LVMPD Legend–E True Hollywood Story-like version with the first Mrs Lombardo who to my great surprise, is making a Guest Starring appearance in this year’s Clark County Sheriff’s race….and she’s not endorsing her ex-husband! 

Oh my!


Uh, oh, there’s Joe Lombardo and Steve Wolfson the other day in a highly unethical, ex parte, super-secret appearance with Chief Judge Joe Bonaventure demanding that Judge Melanie Andress Tobiasson be permanently removed from not just Domestic Violence Court, but from ALL criminal court cases!  Judge Tobiasson’s rights were incinerated by all of the fellas present in this super-secret Boyz Club Circle Jerk meeting in Judge Bonaventure’s courtroom chambers-jacuzzi-cocktail reception area which that Icky Gorman Mafia GirlDana Resnick Gentry reported exclusively on April 24th…and which every single male in Media here pretended that she did not. 

The Buffalo Bullshitter was reportedly inconsolable and clinically depressed from his Potty Chair Work Desk combo from Ikea when he heard that Ms Gentry’s two scoops were not from Coldstone as he had prayed for his God, Harry Reid, to grant to him so that he could report that she was throwing chairs again at Hugh Jackson!

<—-Yes Amy Vilela, your loss is our gain baby! 

Very nice and very good bad-ass, tough broad work as you promised Ms Gentry!

Wolfson brought along Robert Daskas who Democrats may remember once ran for President of Uzbekistan or something in Clark County, and top deputies Chris Lalli, and Chris LaRochelle.  My fierce advocate and very good friend down at the DA’s office cracked wise once as we were walking behind Lalli and former DA David Roger at the RJC, that they looked like ‘two penguins waddling off to go fuq!’

I guess you hadda be there, but I’m still laughing as I keyed that all these years later cuz they really did look like that from behind!

Sheriff Lombardo didn’t even bring LVMPD Time-Waster Queen, General Counsel Liesel Freeman, because she had never heard of meeting with a sheriff, or a judge, or a DA or nuthin’ like that which could be called ‘work’ for which she is adverse to ever doing any as has been my observation of her No Urgency At All Approach to legal matters at the LVMPD, she being Joe’s former sister-in-law or great-grandma or something like that!

So wait a minute, Sheriff Lombardo fly-dumps wife #1 at the flea market and gets a box of clean rags in return for dropping off his donation of her, off to them, but he keeps his former sister-in-law in a General Counsel broom closet over on MLK?  In other Paparazzi confabs Joe’s reluctantly attended while dealing with his Mandalay Malaise Melancholy with a firm no said to autopsy records, then the very firm and stern, fuq no, and said about the 911 records/body cam release and millions of dollars of taxpayer paid Pinstripe Patronage Legal help we needed to help tell to Lombardo and Metro that nothey can’t keep that shit to themselves for the 40th fuqn time!


The simple fact is that none of the men at this super-secret meeting would have ever dared to pull this bullshit on a male judge!  Ever!  Her honor has been gravely damaged by them by their excluding her from participating in her own hanging or even knowing about their highly unethical, ex parte Fuq-a-Judge-Tobiasson-Cluster-Fuqster!

Judge Bonaventure should have stopped the meeting the very moment he was aware of what they were meeting about and he failed miserably and must be removed as Chief Judge post haste…period!  Judge, I like you though you’re no Sonny, and your whack-ass, crazy shit bitch of a fuq-up cousin running for the Dem nomination for Governor of Nevada, just perfectly frosts this little cupcake you’ve baked for us.  You’re the Chief Judge goddammit, we expect and demand the very highest level or ethics and propriety from you sir, and perhaps you should step aside and get this behind you!  Nope, too late bro! Cuz whatever you guys were planning to do to and with Judge Tobiasson’s remains are off-limits and you can’t do anything to her now cuz you’d all be suspects for whichever one of you thought up this bullshit amateur idea in the first place!

How is it that none of you little fuqrs know that the most effective way to whack any judge you don’t like and want off the bench—is to announce that we’re moving to ‘All Judges Sharing All Courtrooms’ the very next day?

Just so you voters know, the Chief Judge may move around and remove his subordinate judges as he/she sees fit, however, those judges don’t just hang up their own rights for he or she to be able to do so, and Clark County taxpayers may be cutting a big check to Judge Address-Tobiasson because this secret meeting was so egregiously wrong and unfair to her!

None of those in attendance before Judge Bonaventure had any intention of ever telling to any of us that it occurred and that they were even there, and what they discussed including Judge Bonaventure and that is the Deep State–renamed Deep County here!    They’re still not talking at all and that is always as sinister as it sounds here when Metro and the DA set about the terms of a Political Hit job they will put out for contract bid to affect its successful outcome they no longer just desire, but are in desperate need of now for some reason.

That Sheriff Lombardo showed up to this meeting without his posse or anyone else from Metro with him, is very telling too and indicates he demanded the meeting and he was/is the one desiring off-ing Judge Andress-Tobiasson with him pulling in his store of Professional Courtesy Comp Chits with DA Wolfson and his DDA Portly Princes as his back-up singers like he’s Cher or something!

The super-secret meeting did not violate Open Meetings protocols but DA Wolfson was smart enough to bring plenty of cover for his office and for his skinny ass too, the sheriff however, did not, and no inner-circle posse member of either man’s team would ever allow for either man to ever attend any such a kind of meet-up Public Hanging Pre-Planning event anywhere for any reason, alone, or in a MeToo Age of Rage kind of world we live in these days!

Like his going to Bunkerville all barrel-chested and not wearing his Kevlar with his old and now fired by him best nutty-buddy, retired Assistant Sheriff Todd Fasulo—the only known member of that posse—which also caused Sargeant Jenkins to breakdown and cry like a little 7 year old bitch according to his perjured testimony in Gloria Navarro’s Kangaroo KourtroomSheriff Lombardo was again too cocky and over-confident meeting with Bonaventura and Wolfson and he was quite sure that he didn’t even need to bring a whole box, but only a half-eaten Cannoli would have been enough to sway the Cannoli-loving Chief Judge to whack Tobiasson for him!

Why was he ordering about the Chief Judge through Wolfson? What flavor was that half-eaten connoli he brought to Judge Joe?

How nice for all involved here to not ever again have to discuss any of this unpleasantness which was supposed to be a pleasant political assassination, but the Sheriff was noticed by quite a number of people at the RJC and at least one of whom blew a call into the most powerful Media Maven person in Nevadastan. Dana Resnick Gentry, who now has these two major scoops being in her new job like 2 hours or something and while still on her first cup of coffee!

I’ve already conceded to Ms Gentry, this year’s Nobel, Pulitzer, and Publisher’s Clearinghouse prizes knowing she’s kicked my ass!  Bitch!


But her honor also has steamer trunk-sized baggage herself and though the very little Media that has trickled out on this matter, no one has bothered to mention that Judge Melanie Andress Tobiasson is or was married to very highly regarded by all, LVMPD royalty who retired out a couple of years back and making Sheriff Joe Lombardo’s personal appearance with Wolfson in front of Bonaventure, even more suspect and opening up a potential new witness tampering/witness intimidation leg of the FBI’s Vice Scandal investigation of Metro (?) and covering misconduct in the years now Sheriff Lombardo was either the Captain or the Deputy Chief over everything Vice-related in Las Vegastan!

<—-I’ve retained the professional services not of Honolulu PD Detective Charlie Chan, but of his personal chauffeur, Birmingham Brown, who somehow shipped the Chan family’s Bentley Limo ahead of time to whatever city Charlie and Number 1 son were dispatched to after a Homicide was committed…just to keep these three-employed and far, far away from Honolulu so that Mrs Chan and Lt Karen Hughes could freely fuq around with Det Baughman!

We still have on the public payroll today a nympho for hyper-corrupted Vice detectives disgraced prosecutor Deputy DA, whose sexual relationship with Detective Baughman will free two life-sentenced pimps coming up, though she’s now married to Baughman and she is getting no dick at all from him with his Old Dude Dead Dick not working at all since the Reagan years!  Poor girl, huh?

Mr District Attorney, why is that bitch still employed with the county and in your office?  Is she paying back embezzled campaign funds to someone too?

Thank you again for both your hanky and your shirt sleeve in my hour of need Robert Langerford!


District Attorney Wolfson had no better, or more handsome a champion than me from the moment he was appointed, so this is not at all easy having to kick him to the fuqn curb and sentence him to an Election Time-Out for at least four years because after one of his subordinates or Minddie Lloyd, leaked that Audrie Locke had embezzled his campaign funds, and that he forgave her, planted a new tree in Israel and in Hawaii, and she paid it all back, and was ‘cured’, but it was her family who paid it back and there is no ‘cure’ for Gambling Addiction as my own family can attest one of our beloved members is now in their 30th year of denying they even have an issue!

What’s delightfully galling and appalling is how Wolfson’s plural wife and work wife Audrie Locke, skated scot-free when his Always Voted Most Popular & Very Best Judge Ever wife in flowing robes, would have given Audrie Locke the Electric Chair way back when she was a judge even though we don’t have one, but she did have that old K-Mart bathtub toaster and the access key to Judge Gonzalez’s Chambers and her opulent Bidet/Jacuzzi/Water Fountain/Lap Pool/Private Lady Parts Massager Guy combo with the ‘How to snag a man who can’t run or walk away’ water feature she loves so much, included!

…and once again, District Attorney Steve Wolfson had no intention whatsoever of ever sharing with us his Strange Interlude with his Campaign’s Embezzler and Work & Plural Wife, but when he was forced to do so, still did not do so really, and you’d have to credit that Super Solid Dog Shit Advice to one Dave Thomas who authored the most sexist, misogynistic vile pile of bile imaginable against former Muni Judge, Heidi Almase…and his deliberate Judicial Assassination of her done without any politico or judge saying a word about it…and therefore further emboldening his bullshit!

Anyone know who deflated Dave Thomas’s face leaving all of the air out of it?  Was that Judge Almase’s real sin against him besides her having two X chromosomes and she knowing what those are and he does not?


DA candidate Robert Langford, thank you sir for being the only attorney out of several million practicing in Nevadastan, to step up and challenge Steve Wolfson, though I’m confident that he is much too busy and can’t possibly ever debate you, so I am volunteering to create your entire YouTube campaign assault—every one of them shot on the RJC’s infamous exterior ‘Staircase to High Desert Prison’s Fish Tank!’, your honey-bunches having sent ‘a number’ of complete total fuqs to at another time in her life, but since you came a-calling-on her, she hasn’t sent anyone to prison! 

I’m thinking that you could win this thing outright in June if someone were to perhaps leak to Clark County’s Black and Brown-skinned residents, your crowning career achievement in accomplishing that worthy goal sir!

The Good Ship Zahara set sail this afternoon calling on ports all over the West Side and North Las Vegastan, and leaking buckets and buckets of Good News ’bout you buddy, at each and every duty-free stop!

You sir, ARE the Judge Zimmerman Whispererand in Italian yet too, and neither of you are Guidos!  That’s just frickin’ amazing to me bro! 

‘Happy Wife, Happy Life!’


Judge Glass, thank you for allowing me to blame you for everything and especially to be able to blame you for your husband’s major fuq-ups just hours before a major election!  That Dave Thomas guy is going to be very hard to shake-off though, so keep all of your firearms locked, loaded and ready to go, keep the house lights off and the drapes drawn like you’re hiding Anne Frank in the attic, and make your home look like a picked over, multiple-arson fire foreclosure, then choose another route when you’re out driving and learn how to drive like a whack-ass, crazy shit Vegas bitch if you think he’s spotted you!

Steven, you big dumb-ass DA, you could have finessed your sorry ass out of both these very damaging to your career fuq-ups had you picked up the phone and just called me knowing someone would tell me what you’d done…your very much liking having Audrie around to stoke the Fires in your Fillyand your seeing the two of them going at it, always chick-fighting over you and that just turning you on so much you have to go on other trip to Hawaii right now to announce your newest Reality Show:  ‘I’m a Shmegegee DA, but look at those two crazy bitches fightin’ over me!’

…or you could have just gotten out of your car and rang my doorbell, cuz I can see you parked down the block from me all the time in that sub-compact you at 9 feet tall don’t look too comfy driving!  Who do you think has been having pizza and beer delivered to you in your car while you’re stalking me waiting for this piece t0 publish?

Go ahead and keep pissing and crapping in my neighbor’s bushes tho cuz everyone on the block hates that little fuqr; can’t you indict him for Being a Dick or something?


To survive this and become Governor as I dream for you one day after Jackie pops Dave Thomas, you have to come up with a major and substantive package for the Carson Critters who are drunk with power aiming for ‘Criminal Justice Reforms’ next session by stealing insane, batshit crazy ideas from Cali and elsewhere cuz none of them can think for themselves as Democrats!  This would necessarily require you and your office to follow existing NRS requirements your people down there think are only suggestions! 

Again sir, it’s the Nevada Revised Statutes, not the Nevada Ridiculous Suggestions!

You and me and maybe Daskas know that the Progressive Extremist demands for ‘criminal justice reforms’ are misguided at best, and are civicly irresponsible and counterintuitive toward desired and achievable goals your office, as a major and ever growing County Cost Center, must get a handle of and control over to counter the Legislature’s over-reach and arrogance if the Dems control both Houses and the Governor’s office after the election.  Criminal justice may need some tinkering, but smaller and sensible reforms like real, actual Misdemeanor and Traffic justice reform, then also including reining in some of your psycho subordinates who approach their duties as ‘quality kills’ rather than ‘justice delivered’, would be an avenue of realistic internal cultural reforms which would be on my list of things for you to do to revive you and your Brand you yourself damaged, you big dumb-ass!

Know that you will have no substantive power to affect anything at all should you win and should they win too.  You were at one time one of Nevada’s most respected and revered criminal defense attorneys who decided you were up to the challenge of being my Council Critter and I’ve ridden you like a dog to steer clear and stay clean and you appear today to not have followed my very well considered and unsolicited advice to you at CCDA over just a few recent weeks and two very politically thorny and sticky events which have cast you as the creepy in-the-shadows, insider-slick, Lawyer Lizard counselor you had never been thought of as by anyone before.  Mr Thomas further tarnishes your once brightly shining star and only you can correct this out and solidify your legacy as our DA by leading and not following during the forthcoming tsunami of bad bills becoming even worse laws.


Mike Zahara Siganture

Michael Zahara

A National Treasure!